


I'm Not That Girl

by orphan_account



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Coming Out, Family Bonding, Humour, M/M, Sibling Bonding, Valentine's Day, gene-centric but told largely from tina's perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:27:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Gene is uncharacteristically upset about Valentine's Day, so Tina takes the case.
Relationships: Gene Belcher & Tina Belcher, Gene Belcher/Alex Papasian
Comments: 6
Kudos: 52





	I'm Not That Girl

Gene is fourteen, which is approximately four more teens than he’s used to being. It’s too many teens.  _ Two _ many teens, because being twelve was just fine. Age twelve for Gene was all glitz and glam - he was a big-boned fish in a small pond, he’d worked out a foolproof cafeteria routine and become an ordained minister. It all started going wrong at thirteen, because high school had resisted all attempts to make it musical and now his life is an unmitigated disaster. 

He decides this when he sits at the table and finds they’re all out of Magnet-Os (Deliciously Justified In Their Actions!) and he’s left to stare dejectedly into a bowl of tepid milk. Gene also voices this, loudly, and his mother hums sympathetically. 

“You’re  _ sure _ it has nothin’ to do with Valentine’s Day, Genie?” She asks, shaking a carton of orange juice experimentally next to her ear. They’ve never been able to disprove her conviction that she can hear if juice is spoiled or not, and Gene had never really been that into disproving it because he loves his mom, and more importantly he loves her  _ power _ . They’ll all regret it when they’re dealing with spoiled juice, and he and mom’ll be sipping their perfect, humble, working-class juice on the beach.

“Nope,” he says, “it’s all about the cereal for me. My life is terrible, and that’s the only reason why.”

“Sure it is, sweetie.”

“It’s okay, Gene,” Tina says calmly, from where she’s trying to eat her eggs and read a textbook at the same time. “I’ve actually been through a few less-than-perfect Valentine’s Days in my time. I can help.”

“Now  _ that _ inspires confidence,” Louise says. 

“Louise.” Bob says in that trying-to-be-stern-but-kind-of-distracted voice he has. Gene groans, and lets his head flop into his milk.

“Maybe I’ll get used to this,” he grumbles. “Milk, unsullied by cereal and delicious  _ flavour _ .” Tina wipes some milk-splash off her book with a thumb.

“Don’t turn on your milk, hon,” Linda reprimands. “Or it’ll turn on you! Ha!”

“You’re right, Mom. Milk’s always been a good friend to me. Lactose intolerance  _ who _ ?”

“Wait, you’re lactose intolerant?” Bob asks.

“Nah,” Linda says decisively. “Dairy dearest, in this family.”

That day, as with most days, Gene and Tina walk to high school together. Louise is in the habit of leaving early, taking full advantage of finally being the oldest and only Belcher in junior high. They’ve seen her loitering with intent outside the school with her friends, and while Tina dutifully pretends not to see her per Louise’s demands, Gene just-as-dutifully hollers at the top of his lungs until she starts throwing rocks. They’re good to her.

But today is different, and they go the longer route with Gene humming I’m Not That Girl the whole way, so Tina knows it’s bad. Also, if they embarrassed Louise on Valentine’s Day the consequences would be dire, not that her brother seems particularly keen on that right now. She clears her throat. Tough-Talk Tina is on the case. Not too tough, though. He’s a sensitive soul.

“Who is she?”

“Don’t-wish-don’t-start-huh?”

“Well usually when people are upset on Valentine’s day it’s because there’s someone they want to kiss who doesn’t want to kiss them. Or so I’m told.” Tina says, a little too rushed to sound as sage as she’d like. She hopes Gene was able to keep up. Tina the motormouth, that’s her.

“My life is  _ over!” _ Gene snaps. He’s wringing his hands together the way he does when he’s scared, or really nervous. Through the usual dramatics his voice is wavering.

“You can tell me, you know. I won’t tell anyone.” She’s a vault.

“I don’t want to talk about it because if I talk about it you’ll know what happened and you’ll hate me and then you’ll tell everyone else because you can’t keep secrets and then they’ll all hate me too and I’ll have to run off and join the  _ circus!” _ he says it all in one long breath.

“Oh. But you love the circus.”

“I know! That’s why this is so difficult! I’m having to take the circus’ name in vain!”

“Ah,” Tina says gravely.

_ “Yeah.” _

“Do you want to hear about my Valentine’s plans instead?” She asks, laying a limp hand on his shoulder. He nods, sniffling.

“Well, my plan is to have no plans. If any boys, you know, like Jimmy Jr or maybe Jimmy Jr, want to take me out for a nice time, that’s fine, but as far as I’m concerned today’s all about Tina.”

“That’s good, Teens.” Gene mumbles, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. “Let me know how that goes.”

“I will.” Tina says decisively.

Tina keeps an eye on her little brother through the school day. His chatter with Courtney during the announcements was more subdued than usual, and for a moment she entertains the notion that Courtney is the one causing him all this heartbreak. They’d had a romance before, and she’d hurt him, but they’ve been best friends for the three years since and anyway, as far as she knows, Courtney’s dating Peter Pescadero. She can’t figure out why Gene would think anyone would hate him for liking Courtney, though - maybe the rest of the family would get mad, since they kind of hate Courtney and think she’s annoying, but Tina’s a strong proponent of love for love’s sake. It’s probably not Courtney.

She’s knocked out of her reverie by the gentle flump of a Valentine’s card landing unceremoniously on her desk. The inside of the card is bare - suspiciously bare - reading only To:Tina and From: <3.

From that point on, she’s in a bit of a dilemma, torn between being a Good Big Sister and solving her own personal romantic mystery. This is just the kind of compelling drama she thrives on, and also makes her kind of nauseous and dizzy and want to go to bed until it’s all over and she doesn’t have to make decisions anymore.

At lunch, she plunks her tray down at the table where Gene, Courtney and Alex are already sitting, rather than trying to sit with Tammy and Jocelyn and Zeke and the rest. Gene is absently dragging a single french fry through a sad puddle of mayonnaise.

“It’s Tina time,” Tina announces bravely, lifting the heavy mood over the table with nothing but the strong arms of her personality, supported by the strong legs of her charisma.

“Hi, sister dearest,” Gene groans, sticking the fry into the corner of his mouth. 

_ Is he still like this?  _ Tina asks Courtney, using only her face. Courtney gives her a look in return that says  _??? _ , so she resorts to human language.

“So you’re not feeling better?” Sitting beside him, Alex rolls his eyes.

“Nooooo,” Gene says, slumping further and further across the table with each  _ o _ .

“What  _ happened? _ Look, even Tina’s worried!” Alex asks, irritated.

“I really think you should just get over it, Gene!” Courtney says. “It’s not as bad as you think it is!”

“How do  _ you _ know?” Gene asks, snapping his head up to look at her across the table. Tina follows the action silently. It’s like a really dramatic game of table tennis.

“I don’t know, because I’m your friend and I have eyes?”

“You  _ know?” _

Tina and Alex are just left for a moment to watch Gene and Courtney staring at each other. Gene’s mouth is hanging open, and Courtney looks oddly angry.

“You know and you still like me?”

“Why wouldn’t I like you, you’re like my best friend!” She’s fully standing now, barking at him across the table.

“Because I’m a weird creep! Obviously!”

“You’re not a weird creep, you’re just  _ stupid! _ ” She yells, stamping her foot for good effect. Then she turns on her heel and leaves in the general direction of Peter. Tina makes a note of it on her writing pad. Courtney’s outburst is going to ride again in fiction, with the names and details changed, of course.

Alex clears his throat. “Wow, I have no idea what that was all about.”

“Of course you don’t,” Gene mutters mutinously. Tina blinks. Of all the family members she expected a torrid romantic drama from, it certainly wasn’t him. It’s very weird, and very uncomfortable, and she has no idea how to deal with what seems to be a genuine emotional breakdown from Gene.

“So,” she says. “I got an anonymous Valentine’s card today.”

“From who?” Alex asks, and Gene snorts despite himself.

“I don’t know,” Tina says gamely. “They signed it with a heart, and there’s nobody who goes by that name in this school. That I know of,” she hastily appends. Gene straightens up in his seat, craning his neck oddly.

“What are you  _ doing,”  _ Alex laughs.

“I am  _ trying _ to see if anyone’s looking at Tina all surreptitious-like, if you  _ must _ know,” Gene says haughtily. (“Ohh, that’s a good idea,” Alex muses) “Ah, it’s no good. Everyone’s looking over here ‘cause Courtney was yelling at me five seconds ago.”

“It’s okay,” Tina says, eyeing them. “I think I’ve solved one of my mysteries today.”

There’s a Valentine’s Dance that evening, and as part of her overall plan, Tina doesn’t have a date. That’s okay - she’s been to enough dances to know that just because you have a date doesn’t mean it’s going to go well, and vice versa. She’s a free agent, and she’s acting like it. She pushes open the restaurant door after study group to see her mom wiping at the same spot on the counter over and over.

“That stain doesn’t come off, Mom.” It doesn’t, and Mom knows that because it’s been here since the restaurant opened.

“Oh, you’re right,” she sighs, laying the cloth down for a moment. “Have you talked to your brother today?”

“A bit,” Tina says. “He’s having a bad day, I think.”

“He doesn’t want to go to the dance,” Linda wails. “My Genie, and he doesn’t wanna dance! I don’t know what to do!”

Tina time. “I’ll take care of it, Mom. I think I know what this is about.”

“Oh good,” her mother visibly deflates. “Thank you, Tina.”

“Yes and it’s great but me and Gene are going to the dance and we’re not going to work today,” Tina says, sliding right back out the door. “Tell Louise I’m sorry and also it’s non-negotiable okay bye.”

“Aw,” Linda says to the empty restaurant. “That girl always shoots the messenger.”

When Tina gets to the landing at the top of the staircase, she’s greeted by her father, looking harried. “Oh, thank God.”

“Hi Dad,” Tina says. “You look stressed. Do you want me to talk to Gene and you can go make burgers?”

“I raised a perfect child,” he mutters, not quietly enough to stop Louise yelling  _ DAD! _ from the kitchen. “Sorry, Gene and Louise!” he yells, “Do better!”

Tina tries to fire off a salute, forgetting her schoolbag is hanging off her arm and smacking herself in the face with it. Bob ruffles her hair as he passes her in the hall to go down to the restaurant. She goes to leave her bag in her room, passing through the kitchen where Louise is doing her homework.

“You’ve screwed me over, haven’t you?” Louise asks, eyeing her sister from under her ears.

“Wow, how did you know? Wait, no I didn’t.”

“It’s written all over your face.” Her eyes flick over Tina and then to the the hall. “It’s fine. I’ll take my revenge some other time.”

Tina raps on Gene’s door before pushing it open, seeing him spread-eagled on the bed. 

“Hi, Gene,” she says unnecessarily, perching on the edge of the bed. “What’s hot?”

“What’s not,” he grumbles. “You better not be here to make me go to the dance, Tina, because these guilty feet know no rhythm!”

“Oh no,” she says, flatly. “Why don’t you want to go?”

“You were at lunch,  _ you _ know.” He rolls over to bury his face in the pillow, and his next words come out muffled. “Now Courtney hates me too.”

Tina shrugs. “I think you should just go to the dance.”

“Mmm.”

“And when you get there, you should ask Alex to dance with you, because that could lead to kissing.”

Gene rears up, wild-eyed. “Did all that friendfiction make you a  _ guru _ ?”

“Yes,” Tina says calmly. “Which is why you should listen to everything I say and go to the dance.”

“You don’t think I’m a creep?”

“I don’t believe in that word,” Tina says, measured. “But why would you be a creep?”

“ _ Because _ ,” Gene whines. “I’ve known how I feel about Alex forever and I never told him! I’ve been friends with him this whole time and he never knew I was reaping  _ secret benefits _ !”

“Gene, if looking at your friends’ butts is a crime, lock me up and throw away the key,” Tina holds her wrists out in front of her. “Is it always bad to like-like your friends?”

“Nooo,” he mutters, picking at the tops of his socks. “But he’s a guy, so…”

“So?”

“So, it’s like, everyone assumes everyone else is straight, right, because we live in some kind of hetero hell-world,” Gene sits up on the bed to gesture at her in earnest, “so when a boy and a girl are friends it’s in the contract, you accept the risk of potential feelings happening. But that’s not  _ expected _ when boys are friends, and most people haven’t clocked I’m gay yet  _ somehow _ -”

“Louise has a theory on that, but continue,”

“So it’s gonna be like, he’ll think I was friends with him because I had ulterior motives! And he’ll say Gene you beautiful creep, I  _ hate _ you for tricking me into being your platonic male friend! And my life will be over, and I’ll have to learn the trapeze,” he finishes, flopping backwards and breathing heavily.

“So this is why you were always friends with girls,” Tina muses. “I thought it was all the powerful female influence in your life.”

“That too.”

“Come to the dance with me,” Tina urges. Gene looks at her for a long moment, red-eyed and upside down on the bed.

“Do you really want me to come with?”

“Yes.”

He huffs a huge gust of air out of his mouth. “Fine. Thanks for coming to talk to me, Teens.”

“No problem, fellow teen.”

After dinner, the family is gathered in the kitchen, where Linda is fussing over Gene’s collar.

“Oh, you two look so  _ gorgeous _ , my little Valentines,” she croons.

“Yeah, just, you know, be responsible.” Bob looks like he’s crawling in his skin. “Get home early.”

Louise snorts at the table. Gene turns to his younger sister.

“That reminds me, I have a bone to pick with you!”

“ _ Me? _ ” Louise asks, faux-innocent even when she hasn’t done anything wrong that she can think of. At least, nothing that’d be relevant right now.

“Yes, you! What’s this theory about my perceived homosexuality!” Linda gasps a little, and Bob’s eyes widen, but the kids’ energy is loose and playful, so they say nothing.

“Sorry Louise, I spilled those beans.” Tina confesses.

“It’s cool, I put a lot of work into this, I’ve been waiting for a chance to strut my stuff. Gene, it comes down to this: you’re like an ouroboros of gay vibes.”

“Oh my God.”

“Continue,” Gene says, intrigued. “I’ve always wanted to eat my own tail in a gesture symbolic of infinity.” 

Louise straightens her ears, businesslike. “Basically, people see you and your whole deal, and they think wow that kid must be gay. But  _ then _ , they take another look and they think no, maybe you’re just a straight guy who’s  _ real _ comfortable with himself, and then they take  _ another _ look, and it goes on and on forever. In conclusion: you’re keepin’ ‘em guessin’.”

“Zag on ‘em,” he says solemnly, deep in thought. “Thank you, Lou.”

Tina nudges him. “Seems like that factors into the contract.”

“I guess,” Gene says off-handedly.

“Oh God, I’m so lost,” Bob mutters. “What contract?” Linda shushes him.

An hour and a half later, Tina is standing by the punch bowl, attention divided between watching Gene and Alex, and flicking through her mental Rolodex of potential secret admirers. The Heart was still at large, and she’d given it all very little consideration, overall. She’s shaken out of her reverie when Alex arrives at the table, two cups in hand.

“Oh hi Alex,” she greets him, casual as you like. “How is your prom night going?”

He looks flushed in his suit and glances over his shoulder to the dancefloor. “It’s going… it’s going really good. I am having an excellent time.” He looks a little swampy. Tina can relate. “Have you found your guy yet? Or… person, I guess?”

“No,” Tina muses. “I want to dance now, but I didn’t plan this far ahead.”

“Well, I’m sure Gene would dance with you if you asked. But, uh, what I’d do -” he shuffles the solo cups in his hands awkwardly, “- I’d act like everyone is the Heart.”

“Wow,” Tina murmurs. “The Heart was me all along.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Alex protests, but Tina is already strolling across the floor, confidence in every stride. She’s got this. It’s Tina Time.


End file.
